by DW Getchel

“I hate twilight. The movies, books, all of it. It has ruined my reputation. Being a vampire myself and having that crap become part of pop culture, I hate it. When I’d go on the hunt for a new lady friend I can devour in many different ways, all they want to do is see me glimmer and shine in the light. What the hell is that? We don’t do that. We fucking burn. Like really bad. Man it ruined life for me. It really did. When they realize I don’t do that, I swear to God, they’re disappointed.”

“So vampire life is tougher now?”

“I’m afraid it is Joan. They ask why I don’t look like Edward or sparkle or be all moody like him. It might be hard to believe, but not all vampires are going to be good looking, most aren’t actually. I’m a little above average. I dress well, I get the blood stains out of my teeth, keep them sharp so I don’t have to saw them back and forth to puncture. That’s the worst. You’ve cornered her, she’s screaming or bitching that I’m not like Edward and you just want her to shut up, so you get to work, but you can’t even poke two holes into her neck. It happened once. It was a disaster. The cops were involved, they chased me for days. A nightmare. After that snafu, I vowed to keep my teeth sharp. Every night before I go out I give them a little sharpening. Never had a problem since.”

“I thought you were reformed? Asking for their blood instead of taking. “Leads to less screaming.” you said.

“Joan, I am. Honest to God. That incident was the last time it was involuntary. Back to twilight. I hate that fucking movie. My language, I apologize, but it really gets me going. Going after females isn’t fun anymore with all their ‘Edward this, Jacob that’. I mean I’m not even a werewolf. You know. And I won’t switch to animals or guys. That’s not my thing. I know what you’re thinking, he doesn’t bite guys or animals and has written off gals as well, how does he survive?”

“Yes, how do you?”

“Here’s another thing that pisses me off about people Joan, their perception of vampires. We don’t NEED blood to survive. Sunlight still burns the hell out of us, but blood is just a nice treat that also makes us stronger and live forever. I can eat the same crap as everyone else. McDonald’s, tacos, whatever.”

“So you can pick if and when you want blood?”

“Basically yes. I’ve adjusted to this new lifestyle Joan and it’s alright. I’ll live.”

“So you have a new reality tv show coming out.”

“I do Joan, I do. It’s a project I’m really excited about. The ‘Night in the life of a vampire’, basically following me and some friends of mine doing our thing at night. It’s exciting.”

“I admit, I’m excited about this show. Very different way of living than most of us. Because of Twilight, vampire books, movies and soon reality tv have skyrocketed in popularity. Do you think it helped you land the show? That people seem more receptive to your kind”

“Joan, Joan, Joan, why’d you have to keep bringing Twilight up? You hurt me.”

“Sorry, but I had to ask.”

“OK, why am I doing this show? It’s because it’s different Joan. Because it’s real. I’m real. I don’t sparkle and I want people to know the truth about who we are and what we’re about.”

“Let’s change the subject to the vampire the newspapers call “The Slasher”. Sill on the loose, still killing women by biting them, sucking their blood and then slashing their throats. Do you think it’s an actual vampire that’s doing this? If so, do you know who it could be?”

“It’s tragic what’s happening. There is a sick person out there Joan. Very disturbed individual. When the police came to me, they asked for my professional opinion. I haven’t shared this with anyone, but since I really admire what you’re doing here, I’ll tell you and the viewers what I told the police. With the evidence they showed me, I am 100% positive that it is a real vampire. I have my suspicions as to who, but I’ll leave it at that.”

“You’re saying a vampire is responsible for these brutal killings.”

“I am Joan. Sad to say it. You don’t want to see someone else like you, in this day and age, doing something so horrible. I mean, 1,000 years ago when I was roaming London, It was a blood bath. We were all going crazy. Many people were killed or turned when we were there. I still think back to that time and wish I hadn’t partaken in the frenzy.”

“Killed or turned? Was there never an option to let them live and not be turned into a vampire?”

“That’s where I’d like to set the record straight, Joan. A vampire does not have to kill to drink blood. Most do because they’re animals and not taught good manners. Just kill and drink. Kill and drink, sometimes turning their victim. I have not killed anyone for a long long time. When I did drink blood, I always made my victims, wait I don’t like that word, my vessels have the choice. If they didn’t want their blood sucked, I’d find someone who did.”

“So all the blood sucking was voluntary?”

“At least now it is for me Joan. I give them a choice and it feels so much better.”

“But you’ve also said it’s more difficult now, how?”

“For me, yes. I ask them to let me drink some of their blood. For awhile it was fairly easy, most said yes, few ran away screaming. But now Joan, it’s only vary rarely that I find someone willing to give up some blood that doesn’t go on and on about Twilight.”

“So you really don’t like Twilight. Did you ever read the books or watch the movie?”

“Hell no Joan. I’d rather step into the light and burn up in ashes. Yes, Twilight ruined a good thing. At least for me. I’ve heard some of the other vampires loved what it did to people. These are vampires that kill people mind you. Made it easier. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Well, our time is unfortunately up. I guess that is it for this interview. Thank you for your time.”

“You’re welcome Joan”